For Getting Published
(and Getting Away With Murder)

	Stockpile at least a dozen manuscripts in your closet.
	Invite the publisher to your house and serve her a SPAM Reuben sandwich.
	Replace a no-talent author’s novel with your own far superior manuscript.
	Get the author hooked on “Seinfeld” while you continue to publish your books in his name.
	Watch a lot of crime shows on TV.
	Google the term “undetectable poison.”
	Steal an untraceable gun. (But not from a friend. That makes it somewhat less untraceable.)
	Make sure you know whether the victim is right- or left-handed before planting fingerprints on the gun.
	Make time for your favorite TV shows, even if you’re in the middle of a double homicide.
	Include some typos in the suicide note.
	Always bury the shovel.